My lips are shinny from lip balm. The skin on my face is glowing from mass amounts of Oil of Olay. This I know because I just caught a glimps of myself in the reflection of my 7″ touchscreen JP5. Now I feel like blogging. Let’s do it!
I feel good. Just a few hours ago I cut my hair and shaved my face, armpits, and down below. I thought about Suzie as I was manscaping. For those who don’t know what manscaping is, it’s when a man shaves and trims his pubic hairs all around his southern region. Now you know.
Why the hell would a man in prison manscape? Any ideas? You’d be surprised at how many inmates do it. Ask your inmate if he does it. If he says, ”yes” ask him ”why?”
I do it to keep the fleas and crabs off me. It seems to be working.
If your inmate doesn’t trim his bushes, I’d be willing to bet that he has bad breath most the time too. It just seems like those two go hand in hand…bad breath, and a colony of crabs & fleas co-existing in an unruly out-of-control man bush. Pay attention the next time you’re in the visiting room. You’ll see guys scratching their nuts left and right. Thats because they have crabs, fleas, and ball mites. All because they don’t manscape.
I had no idea that this post was going to be so educational for ya all. But since it is, I’ll continue to enlighten.
I’m going to teach you a technique that will enable you to save money on mouthwash. I learned this technique just the other day when I used a sink next to Mike, aka: The Mad Jacker. They call him “The Mad Jacker” because he’s always beating off in the toilet and shower stalls. Everyone knows he does it. But he doesn’t care. He still does it. Mike is crazy. He’s also a genius. Literally. (Read Jesse’s post called Surprised. He’s talking about Mike.)
So I pull up along side of him and start brushing my teeth. Above each sink is a mirror and a little stainless steel shelf. I notice on Mike’s shelf he has floss, toenail clippers, nasal spray, a salt shaker that he stole from the chow hall, and two bottles of mouthwash.
As I’m brushing my teeth, I’m also watching him through my mirror. He has no idea.
He takes a huge swig of mouthwash and starts swishing it around. Then he tilts his head back and vigorously gargles. I can see splashes of mouthwash fly out of his mouth and down his chin and neck. I take a step farther away from him and decide to watch him point blank. Like a statue I just stand and stare as I brush.
After he gargles, he spits the mouthwash into the other mouthwash container. That’s when I noticed that both his mouthwash bottles contained backwashed mouthwash. I gaged.
Then I spit my toothpaste in the sink and said, “What in the world are you doing?”
“Getting ready to brush my teeth.” he says.
“No.” I said, “Why are you spitting mouthwash back into the container?”
As he squeezes indigent toothpaste onto his indigent toothbrush, he says, “The sodium fluoride is still active. I’m not going to waste perfectly good mouthwash.”
(Indigent – An inmate who has less than $10 on his books for 30 days or longer is considered to be “indigent.” Indigent inmates can purchase indigent items as they rack up an indigent debt. NOTE: Indigent items are generic, no name brand items. In other words, they suck!) See: Glossary of Prison Terms
I hide my disgust and act intrigued. “How many times can you use it before the sodium fluoride is no longer active?”
He says, “I’ve been using this stuff for 7 months and it’s still good.”
This guy is totally oblivious to how crazy and gross all this is. In his mind we are having an average everyday conversation.
I ask him, “How do you know when the sodium fluoride is no longer active?”
He simply says, “When it stops burning.”
I then asked him, “Why do you turn off the water when you brush your teeth?”
I asked him that because I do then same thing. It’s obviously to conserve water. But not many guys do that in here. As a matter of fact, some guys deliberately turn on all the faucets and then walk away.
Mike answers, “To save water. By doing so, I save up to 4 gallons of water every time I brush my teeth.”
I ask, “How many times a day do you brush?”
He says, “Three.”
I say, “That’s 12 gallons of water you save per day.”
He says, “Yep. And 4,380 gallons per year.”
I ask, “What do you do with all the water you save?”
He finally looks at me for the first time, cocks his head sideways, and says, “Ha Ha, very funny.”
Then he gathers all his things and speed walks out of the bathroom and to his cell. Mike is always in a hurry no matter where he goes.
Yes, Mike is an odd ball. He does some strange things. But Mike is alright with me. Together we save approximately 8,760 gallons of water per year! Who knew?
Prison has its own language. To help you better understand, I’ve put together this glossary of prison terms.
5-0 (pronounced “five-oh”) – slang. a C/O, corrections officer
Binky – (n.) homemade prison syringe
Bitch – (n.) A derogatory word used to degrade or belittle someone. The meaning varies depending on the context in which its used. This word is more of a fighting word…meaning, if someone is called a “bitch” they’re usually fighting within seconds.
Call Out – (n.) A daily bulletin posted for all inmates to see. This bulletin consist of the time and place in which inmates are to report. (ie. work, school, medical, property room, religious activities, etc.)
Cat call – (v.) inmate heckling, usually of either a C/O or undesirable inmates
Cell In – (v.) A term used as a directive by staff when telling inmates to go in their cell. “CELL IN NOW MISTER!!!”
Cell time – (n.) time alone in your cell
Celly – (n.) someone who shares the cell; a roommate
Chain – (n.) a group of inmates chained together for transport who arrive at a prison
Check in – (v.) to volunteer to be secluded into Protective Custody
Chi Mo – (abbrev.) slang. child molester
C/O – (abbrev.) Corrections Officer, also “cop” or “pig”
Count – (v.) A time when the facility counts the inmates. Everyone has to “cell in” for count.
CUS – (abbrev.) Custody Unit Supervisor. A high ranking official in charge of living units. (Lieutenant status)
Day Room – (n.) A huge living room where games and socializing takes place. SCCC day rooms consist of 26 tables, 104 seats, a microwave, 8 phones, ice machine, hot water dispenser (180°), and its where the “Call outs” are posted.
Dry cell – (n.) prison cell with no sink or toilet inside the cell
Dry snitch – (v.) snitching without directly snitching; drawing attention to the infraction in a roundabout way
Duck – (n.) a new inmate off the chain; many “waddle” from keistering contraband
Fellas – (n.) a group of solid guys who all get along and respect each other
Hole – (n.) short-term segregation (normally 30-60 days or less)
House – (n.) one’s prison cell
IMU – (n. abbrev.) Intensive Management Unit, long-term segregation
Indigent – An inmate who has less than $10 on his books for 30 days or longer is considered to be “indigent.” Indigent inmates can purchase indigent items as they rack up an indigent debt. NOTE: Indigent items are generic, no name brand items.
Ish – (abbrev.) slang. issue
Keep point – (v.) to watch or be on the lookout for a guard; military lingo
Keister – (v.) to hide something inside your rectum
Kite – (n.) document with an inmate request or question to a staff member; snitches may “drop a kite” to snitch in writing
Lame – (n.) someone who is not a “fella” but also is not a sex offender or a rat
Mainline – (n.) general population, also mealtime or dining hall
Mean Mugging – (v.) to look at someone with an angry expression on your face
One time – (n.) a guard
Paperwork – (n.) a statement of ones criminal history
PC – (abbrev.) Protective Custody
Piece of Shit – (n.) someone who isn’t solid; lowest in the prison hierarchy
Porter – (n.) one hired to do routine cleaning
Pruno – (n.) prison wine, made from decaying oranges, apples, potatoes, etc.
Punk – (n.) someone who performs sexual acts for little or no profit
Rape-o – (n.) slang. A rapist
Re-cop – (v.) replenish the drug supply
Running Store – (v.) to front items from commissary for a profit
Segregation – (n.) 24/7 lockdown
Shakedown – (v.) A thorough search of mass proportion
Shank – (n.) homemade weapon used for stabbing
Shotcallers – (n.) anyone who wields power and influence in prison. Usually the drug dealers, but can be anyone with a service in demand and a lot of charisma
Solid – (adj.) used to describe someone who isn’t a piece of shit
SO – (abbrev.) sex offender
SOS – (abbrev.) slang. Smash on Site
Street to Street – (v.) one inmate’s family or friends sending money to another inmate’s family or friends with no direct inmate involvement
Swine – (n.) pejorative term for prison guard; like calling a policeman a “pig”
Torpedo – (n.) someone hired or assigned to carry out an assault
UA – (n.) urine analysis. A piss test.
Wet cell – (n.) prison cell with a stainless steel sink and toilet inside the cell
Weirdo – (n.) a rat, a sex offender, or someone with some kind of dirty history
Yahoo – (n.) someone who is always running their mouth about others
Yard – (n.) An outdoor recreational area