The following poem was written back in June of 1996. Back then I was a drug using, drug selling, violent little badass. I was at Walla Walla, living with Mikey and Jeff. When we were using drugs and smoking joints people use to walk by our cell, look in, and fiend. A lot of guys would stop at our bars and try to make small talk in hopes it would lead to a free hit, or a joint.
(To read more about this crazy time in my life, please check out my ebook called, STONE CITY: LIFE IN THE PENITENTIARY. Specifically, Chapter: 7.)
TAKING THE EDGE OFF PRISON LIFE
Waking up slow to the practical jokes,
where coffee is a must and everyone smokes.
Take a deep breath you can smell the green,
as the broke walk by they look in and fiend.
People say I’m gone how I wish that was true,
the fact is that I’m here so let me tell you what I do.
I kick em in the face sometimes I choke em out,
But then I get away with it and that’s what its about.
So please don’t mess because I gotta confess,
when it comes to fighting dirty I’m one of the best.
So what if I’m small so what if you’re tall,
within ten seconds guarantee you will fall.
The hell with taking the edge off prison life,
its more like taking your head off with my prison knife!
That poem illustrates just how sick my thoughts were. As a result, my actions were extremely destructive. I was oblivious to the fact that I induced my own suffering and hardships.
Now, it is with a joyous heart that I share a more recent poem that was written on 10-25-13, in the midst of enlightenment and spiritual awakening. I am so blessed to have this gentle love in my life. THIS is what takes the edge off of prison life for me these days.
THE MAGIC OF HER LOVE
Love is like magic, at least it is for me.
I pulled a rabbit out the hat, and her name is Suzie.
She transformed my world, a cold hard place.
By showing me a warm soft glow, within the beauty of her face.
Our situation is unique, and to some very strange.
But there’s nothing in this world that love can’t change.
Her love is so pure, understanding and kind.
She loves with all her heart, body, soul and mind.
Her love is so powerful, it reaches my core.
Her love is a love I’ve never felt before.
Her love is a love in which I’ve been seeking.
Her love is a language in which I’m now speaking.
Her love is the love that inspires my life.
Her love is the love that I’ve found in my wife.
I recently got to spend 64 hours with my wife. That’s 8 visits, for 8 hours a pop! We held hands, smooched, and played games (she kicked my butt!). We spent hours talking about EVERYTHING! Our communication is so open and honest. I love that. I love her!
As we were talking about blogging, I asked her, “Baby, why haven’t you sent me the blog comments lately?”
Her eyes started to tear up as she said, “Because people are starting to say negative things about you. I send you the fan mail but not the hate mail.”
I pulled her close and gave her a comforting hug. Then said, “That’s to be expected. It’s part of the Universal balance. With all the good that’s out there, there is also the bad.”
I asked her, “What are they saying?”
She answered, “They say things like: you’re narcissistic and manipulative and …..”
My eyes got wide and I pulled back my head. I looked at her for a second, then smiled. “Baby, I am narcissistic.”
She looked confused. Then asked, “Don’t those type of comments bother you?”
I got close and kissed her soft cheek, then said, “Not even a little bit.”
I wiped away a small tear in the corner of her left eye. Then wondered to myself…how does one eye cry and the other eye doesn’t?
She asked, “What does narcissistic mean to you?”
I said, “Let’s go get a dictionary and find out.”
She said, “Ok. But first let’s say what we each think it means.”
We both basically said, “It’s someone who is self-centered and self-absorbed.”
She looked at me and asked, “You think you’re those things?”
I answered, “Yes. To a degree. I’m self-centered around my personal growth and rehabilitation. And I’m self-absorbed with all my actions. I also think I’m good-looking and I have a sexy body.”
That put a smile on her sweet face. She rolled her eyes playfully and gave a little giggle.
Here’s what WEBSTER has to say about narcissism:
1. Inordinate fascination with oneself; excessive love.
2. Erotic gratification derived from admiration of one’s own physical or mental attributes.
3. Being a normal condition at the infantile level of personality development.
Yep! Just as I suspected….I have characteristics of narcissism.
I am fascinated with myself as I continue to grow and learn. I do love myself very much.
I have never experienced erotic gratification derived from my personal attributes. But give it time. Life isn’t over yet.
And what is this? It says, “A NORMAL CONDITION AT THE INFANTILE LEVEL OF PERSONALITY DEVELOPMENT.”
Just like anything in life, some things apply, others don’t. It IS what it IS.
The important message here is to use the Universal powers for all things good. We can’t control what other people say or do. But we can control how we direct the power that is flung our way. We can allow words to hurt us and break us down. Or we can use those exact same words to build us up, make us stronger, expand our knowledge, and serve us well. That choice is ours!
By the time Suzie and I concluded this conversation, she was laughing and feeling good. Her pain was gone. A pain that she’d carried for weeks from several continuous comments that had destructive intent. This goes to show there is a state of consciousness that can heal instantly!
Bless her heart. She was holding that pain in, protecting me from those negative comments. With our honest communication, she and I were able to share our feelings openly on the subject. I absolutely love our relationship!
Thank you everyone for all your feedback. I welcome the good, the bad, and the ugly. IT’S ALL GOOD!
Have a great day.