Tagged: personal hygene

Crabs, Fleas, Manscaping, and Mouthwash

 

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My lips are shinny from lip balm. The skin on my face is glowing from mass amounts of Oil of Olay. This I know because I just caught a glimps of myself in the reflection of my 7″ touchscreen JP5. Now I feel like blogging. Let’s do it!

I feel good. Just a few hours ago I cut my hair and shaved my face, armpits, and down below. I thought about Suzie as I was manscaping. For those who don’t know what manscaping is, it’s when a man shaves and trims his pubic hairs all around his southern region. Now you know.

Why the hell would a man in prison manscape? Any ideas? You’d be surprised at how many inmates do it. Ask your inmate if he does it. If he says, ”yes” ask him ”why?”

I do it to keep the fleas and crabs off me. It seems to be working.

If your inmate doesn’t trim his bushes, I’d be willing to bet that he has bad breath most the time too. It just seems like those two go hand in hand…bad breath, and a colony of crabs & fleas co-existing in an unruly out-of-control man bush. Pay attention the next time you’re in the visiting room. You’ll see guys scratching their nuts left and right. Thats because they have crabs, fleas, and ball mites. All because they don’t manscape.

I had no idea that this post was going to be so educational for ya all. But since it is, I’ll continue to enlighten.

I’m going to teach you a technique that will enable you to save money on mouthwash. I learned this technique just the other day when I used a sink next to Mike,¬†aka: The Mad Jacker. They call him “The Mad Jacker” because he’s always beating off in the toilet and shower stalls. Everyone knows he does it. But he doesn’t care. He still does it. Mike is crazy. He’s also a genius. Literally. (Read Jesse’s post called Surprised. He’s talking about Mike.)

So I pull up along side of him and start brushing my teeth. Above each sink is a mirror and a little stainless steel shelf. I notice on Mike’s shelf he has floss, toenail clippers, nasal spray, a salt shaker that he stole from the chow hall, and two bottles of mouthwash.

As I’m brushing my teeth, I’m also watching him through my mirror. He has no idea.

He takes a huge swig of mouthwash and starts swishing it around. Then he tilts his head back and vigorously gargles. I can see splashes of mouthwash fly out of his mouth and down his chin and neck. I take a step farther away from him and decide to watch him point blank. Like a statue I just stand and stare as I brush.

After he gargles, he spits the mouthwash into the other mouthwash container. That’s when I noticed that both his mouthwash bottles contained backwashed mouthwash. I gaged.

Then I spit my toothpaste in the sink and said, “What in the world are you doing?”

“Getting ready to brush my teeth.” he says.

“No.” I said, “Why are you spitting mouthwash back into the container?”

As he squeezes indigent toothpaste onto his indigent toothbrush, he says, “The sodium fluoride is still active. I’m not going to waste perfectly good mouthwash.”

(Indigent – An inmate who has less than $10 on his books for 30 days or longer is considered to be “indigent.” Indigent inmates can purchase indigent items as they rack up an indigent debt. NOTE: Indigent items are generic, no name brand items. In other words, they suck!) See: Glossary of Prison Terms

I hide my disgust and act intrigued. “How many times can you use it before the sodium fluoride is no longer active?”

He says, “I’ve been using this stuff for 7 months and it’s still good.”

This guy is totally oblivious to how crazy and gross all this is. In his mind we are having an average everyday conversation.

I ask him, “How do you know when the sodium fluoride is no longer active?”

He simply says, “When it stops burning.”

I then asked him, “Why do you turn off the water when you brush your teeth?”

I asked him that because I do then same thing. It’s obviously to conserve water. But not many guys do that in here. As a matter of fact, some guys deliberately turn on all the faucets and then walk away.

Mike answers, “To save water. By doing so, I save up to 4 gallons of water every time I brush my teeth.”

I ask, “How many times a day do you brush?”

He says, “Three.”

I say, “That’s 12 gallons of water you save per day.”

He says, “Yep. And 4,380 gallons per year.”

I ask, “What do you do with all the water you save?”

He finally looks at me for the first time, cocks his head sideways, and says, “Ha Ha, very funny.”

Then he gathers all his things and speed walks out of the bathroom and to his cell. Mike is always in a hurry no matter where he goes.

Yes, Mike is an odd ball. He does some strange things. But Mike is alright with me. Together we save approximately 8,760 gallons of water per year! Who knew?

 

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Steven
Jennings